What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 18:52
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I write beautiful poetry .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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Especially a lifetime of it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why did the Greek city state never form an empire?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Has your wife or girlfriend ever been felt up in public by a stranger?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Necessitatibus ipsa sequi animi dolores molestiae.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I have no regrets .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She was in good health!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And i lived it daily.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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(And it was in our own minds.)
One cannot live in the past .
He knew the spot.
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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I never cut or harmed myself..
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was very sick at this time too.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im still living with it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I think the readers, may guess!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She loved him until the end.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But, we were locked up after school.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was scared of men, in general
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I will be 64.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I could never make a relationship work though!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My life is so biszare .
I waited trembling.
All the time i was locked up.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So, i spoilt her more .
My family never makes their pension either.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was 9 years of age.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Ive learnt so much.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Would this be the day?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Was to survive, this bastard.
When she asked me how she looked .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So whats the point in blame.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Who then, do I blame.?
I said to her
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She wouldn,t have been !
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We were not on the streets..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But it wasn’t much.
I don,t even have a pension.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was seconnd youngest,
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
This is soul school!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Comes on , in middle age.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She married twice! .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
It was going to be , some day.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She found it foreign!.
Put me off passion for life!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
What did i know ?
We all went to grammer schools
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.